Not Once But Twice
My recent visit to my 2nd home as one of you put it was rather interesting. I was in for an angiogram which involved putting dye into my system. I always thought I was colourful enough without having to add more to me, but that is only my opinion. Anyway, I was told all about the procedure before hand and I agreed to everything so I was asked to sign a waiver (just in case I dyed, get it, dyed died on the table. Scheesh. Don’t worry about it. It’s obvious my sense of humour is way above you lot!!!) Back to the waiver. Signed , taken away, and filed. Next step was to decide which part of the (my) body the dye was going in. There was a choice. Not for me but for the surgeon. I could have it going in the wrist or the groin. He decided that it would be the groin. Because it was easier for him, no other reason. So much for patient comfort. Agreed upon with the shake of hands and see you in the theatre. Next…..
THE WILLIE BARBER
No warning, no nothing. This nurse / ward orderly just arrives at my bedside and asks me where the dye is going . I say my groin. She says. Get them off. Well not in so many words. Jammies down, she covers my bits and starts shaving away. Talking about this and that as if this was nothing to her. It may have been nothing to her as she does it every day but it sure was something to me. Done. Pull your jammies up and you will be going down to theatre in 20 minutes. Gulp!! OK. Says I. Trying not to think about what is going to be done around my private area too much. I have my legs crossed at this time. All men know what I mean. Don’t you?
Twenty minutes are up and I’m on my way to theatre. There he is. The surgeon who thinks it’s easier for him to go through my private parts rather than my wrist. This lovely wee nurse comes up to me. Hello, my name is such and such and this is so and so and over there is thingy. What way is he doing this? I say my groing. Oh yes. Let me have a look. Before I can say anything she has the theatre gown lifted and she is looking. Oh no! she says. That won’t do. We’ll have to shave you again. I’m thinking to myself. I can’t have grown that back already. She gets her razor out and starts shaving me all over again. I think the WILLIE BARBER A up in the ward does this on purpose so that the girls down in the theatre can all have a go as well. Maybe wishing that they were WILLIE BARBERS instead of theatre assistant.
Everything is done and dusted and I am back home. I can’t help thinking about this particular stay in hospital for obvious reasons. My pride is intact now as I thought to myself, I won’t ever meat these people on a social occasion. I hope!
Imagine being unemployed and going to sign on for the 1st time. And what did you do in your last job Ms Jones? Oh. I was the chief WILLIE BARBER!!!!
It sort of reminds me about a time when I worked with a girl from Cullybackey. She came to the big smoke to see what life was all about. (she came from a Free Presbyterian faming background. She didn’t even know who Jimi Hendrix was) Anyway, she had to sign on in the dole office in Belfast. On her 1st interview to see what she could do she was asked what she did before she came to Belfast. What sort of work was she looking for etc. etc.
Reply. (in all sweet innocence)Oh. I was the head Milk Maid. I can milk cows. The interviewer had to leave the room. Whether it was to ask someone for guidance or to have a good we will never know. The girl ended up joining the Royal Navy as a Nurse. Good on her.
I must go now. Just because I am out of hospital doesn’t mean I am finished with Doctors. I have to go for blood tests now. That’s if they can get any more out of me.
Ta Rah for now
Posted :: Thursday 7/30/2009 4:27:00 AM
God Bless America And More
Yes indeed. I am going to say it. God Bless America. There. Said it. There are many reasons to mention this in this weeks blog. Where do I start though? That is the question. Here we go anyway.
I must take you back, oohhh maybe five years at least. It was by chance that I got my paws on a 7” coloured vinyl record by The rolling Stones. Now this was not just any old 7” coloured vinyl record by The Rolling Stones. This was part of a set of six 7” coloured vinyls by The Rolling Stones. I think you get the picture now anyway. Over the years I managed to get another part of the set and then another part and then I got a double. Then I sold the double for something else. Then I made it to four parts of the six piece set. Out of the blue. I was surfing one night last week and came across this guy in ‘merica who had the last two 7” coloured vinys by The Rolling Stones. Not only that, he was selling them. Needless to say I got in touch with this guy in ‘merica and we did a deal. In other words, I bought them. Now I have, or will have, the complete set of 7” coloured vinyls by The Rolling Stones. What’s so special about these records? I hear you all say. They were only released in Canada, nowhere else in the world. They were only ever released in very very limited numbers hence the difficulty in getting them (I blame the recession for me being able to find them. Everybody is offloading their stuff now) I will start another paragraph now as the story is going to take a bit of a nosedive from here on in.
With all six records I will have the complete set. What does one do with something like this? He gets them framed of course. I mentioned this to my wife this morning. Response. “And where are you going to put them?” Before I can answer or even think of something to say she comes back with “Don’t even think about it” But. But I splutter. Do you not realise what these represent? Darling…. …(eyelashes fluttering away like mad) darling!!!! The conversation was over. Just like that. End. Finito. Onto another reason to God Bless America
As you all may know, our daughter is out there in the States doing her thing with other peeps and minding other peeps children and all that sort of stuff. There is a blog about the stuff she is doing. I read it this morning. To be quite honest with you, I really went for it. I have never felt so proud of my daughter since the day she was born. She is not getting paid for any of this stuff that she does but she is surely having a good time and showing others how to do things at the same time. Should you wish to read about some of the stuff she is up to go to www.adriandorrian.blogspot.com and see for yourselves. I am going to give out her name (to show how proud I am of her and all the others in her team) which I don’t normally do. In fact, I don’t think I have ever given out any names of my family in the history of this gack. Her name is Rachel. Read and enjoy!!! Now, another reason for God Bless America.
As you all know, my Father passed away recently. I am getting bits and pieces of information from Canada (that’s where he lived) about members of the family. I have just found out that I have a whole other part to my family that live in ‘merica. There are cousins, once removed and cousins, twicw removed that I never even knew existed. I wrote (by snailmail) to this cousin and lo and behold, I got an e mail back within a week. Through him I have learnt things about my family that I never knew. Amazing stuff, families. I have to pass all this on to the rest of the family but only if they want it. There you go now. Three reasons to God Bless America
Rolling Stones Records
Not bad for a weeks work on the ole net. Tomorrow is another day. I am going up to pack my bag for hospital. Yes folks. I am going into hospital yet again. No ambulance this time though. This is all organised. I am going in for my angiogram which I was supposed to have some time ago. I think maybe the reason I am going in is that I phoned up about it and told them that my GP was rather concerned that I hadn’t had it done yet. Whether that got them going or what I don’t know. But I’m getting it done now at last. Should be back on Tuesday as long as all is well. Good wishes are always a welcome sight for the patient when he opens up his laptop in the morning. Rolling Stones news is even better. Talking of which. Did you all know that Sir Mick is now 66 years young Good on ya son!!!!
Speak to you all soon
p/s We’ve just been informed by our elderly neighbour that we are ‘Very Nice Neighbours’. How’s that for something out of the blue? Eh. Eh.
Posted :: Sunday 7/26/2009 7:54:00 AM
They Know Who I Am Now
Yes, they know who I am alright. When I told them that I was looking for a DVD copy of Didn’t We Have A Lovely Day………. For my mate in Australia they said no. Then when I asked a man who I knew who worked in the BBC NI Television Centre he said he would see what he could do for me. Well. This morning at about 8.30AM I got a phone call from said man. He has a DVD copy of the DVD for my mate in Australia. He must have told his collegues who I am. Hows that for service? I called round to his house and picked up said DVD and thanked him. I asked him how much I owed him. Nothing . FOC. No charge. Zilch. They must really know who I am up there now!!!
Mickmak, make arrangements with me to collect or I will post it off to you. That would be a good reason to meet each other in the flesh wouldn’t it?
My friends arrived safely form London as we were leaving our daughter off for America. Only one problem. Her flight was delayed by two hours. We could have had that extra time in bed and my friends could have made there own way to my house. But, then again. I’m a nice guy and I wouldn’t do that sort of thing on my friends now. Would I? I said ‘Would I?’ Anyway, they are here now and at this very precise exact moment they are sitting in The Beaten Docket (a pub) up in Belfast sampling the wares. Me, I’m not with them. Due to a very severe case of vertigo I wasn’t able to stand upright very well. And I hadn’t even had a drink. Not that I drink nowadays anyway. It must have been all the soda water & limes that I had yesterday in Fealty’s (another pub) or Donegans (yet another pub) Guess where we are going this evening? Yep. Another pub. There seems to be some sort of a pattern forming here don’t you think. This pub is different though. We are going for a meal and then into the bar. Does that really count as a pub? Answers on a postcard to A. Pub, Bangor, County Down.
In the meantime while I am here in the house on my own (apart from the 2 dogs) I can have a wee bit of peace and quiet to read my book. I am in the middle of a John Grisham at the moment. Not bad but the plot reminds a lot about the storyline of the film Erin Brockovich with my favourite female actress. What’s her face. Oh yeah. Julia Roberts. A real Mans woman. Stoppit. Stoppit. Stop that! Think of her as an actress just playing a role. MMmmmmm! Yes. A role. Are there any films of her wearing a maids outfit and holding a feather duster? Stoppit. Stoppit NOW!Back to my book. Talking of books. I have managed to stockpile a load of books for the Winter. I will probably have to get more just in case I read them all halfway through the cold weather. What do I do then. Ah, I know. I could always watch my collection of Julia…. Stoppit I told you.
Away from books and pubs for a moment. When my friends leave and go back to their individual resides I have promised myself that I will take myself off to the cinema to see the new Harry Potter movie. I know. I know. They are childrens books and films and I am a member of the Old Farts Club for the past 4 years now. It still doesn’t stop me enjoying the fantasy. Does it? I am looking forward to seeing the film on the big screen anyway. I missed the big screen viewing of Gran Torino but I did get a DVD of the film. Not the same on my screen at home (it’s only 38”) but it was Clint Eastwood after all. (he is my favourite male actor) (no, I don’t fantasize about him) Back to Harry Potter. Did you know that during my dice with death in March I was calling out for Hagrid quite a lot? Why, I don’t know. I was dying at the time. I found this out afterwards. My sister told me about this part of my experience. I wonder who else I called out for. Could it have been Julia. Was it her that maybe made me hold on? I could have been Clint but I would much prefer it to have been Julia!!!!
I better be careful what I say in these musings. My wife occasionally reads this blog. For all I know she might even be one of the contributors. I will soon know.
In a way I am glad that I am indoors in my nice warm house. It is bucketing out there and my friends have to get back here before a certain time. Even if they get taxis and what they are going to get soaked somehow. Poor friends. Poor poor friends. One of my friends is looking for some particular screws to finish off a job at his house. He can’t seem to find what he wants where he lives. I have told him what shops to try here. No joy. I am going to have to do some detective work on the net on his behalf. As I spent 21 years in the ironmongery and tool business I know what he is looking for. The problem is, finding the bleeders. What! You want to know what I am looking for I hear you ask? I will tell you.
½ x 4 solid brass round head slotted screws. Try say that with a few pints in you. Like finding the DVD mentioned above I will accept this as a challenge to obtain. After all. He is a good friend of many years standing. If I get these for him he will earn extra brownie points from his missus and therefore he will be allowed to visit here again in the future. What do you think? Eh Eh
I will leave you all now to get on with my challenge. Speak to you all soon. Don’t forget, any comments about Gackwriting just hit the title above and feel free to gack to your hearts content. What have you got to lose. Your sanity!
P/S Don’t forget to get in touch about the DVD Mickmak
Posted :: Saturday 7/18/2009 6:56:00 AM
Wind Yer Neck In Missus'
Indeed. Wind yer neck in missus and get on with it. Those were the words as spoken on the local radio this morning during an open debate about bonfires. One woman was moaning on about the bonnies and the damage they do. The other more or less told her what to do in this old fashioned but Ulster way. Just another saying to add to the list from a few blogs ago. Of course, one has to put the Ulster East Belfast accent twist to make it work. It certainly did put a smile on my face. (at this hour of the morning that’s can only be a good thing)
I don’t know the full outcome of the debate as to who got the better of who but I’m sure it was interesting. Someone quite rightly did point out that it is not just the 11th July that we have bonnies, there is also St Patricks Day and another date in august so it means that both sides are well covered. (one of these bonnies is reputed to be 40ft high!!!) (that I would like to see) There are more and more communities trying to make their bonnies a lot more tidier that in previous years as there are cash rewards for the best kept bonnie. No doubt there will still be the odd idiots who insist in putting car tyres onto the thing and then leading to even more pollution.
To change onto a different tack now. Guess who’s coming to visit next week? What! You mean you have no idea? I’ll tell you then. I have not one, but two friends coming to stay next weekend. The reason for them coming to stay is that I have two spare rooms as now our son has left home (and still no sign of him returning except to cut the grass for me) (nice boy) and also our daughter is going to the Good Ol U S of A for a month. This means there is room in our house folks. This also means, as mentioned, the visit from my friends from London. One of them you know. He is a contributor to this site every now and again. I won’t tell you who it is. That’s for you lot to decide. I suppose a process of elimination won’t be too difficult as there aren’t that many of you. Unless of course, there are hundreds of you that have never commented on the gack that is written here. Stranger things have happened before. As for the other friend. He is a great guy. He is a BIG guy (he’s the one getting the double bed in our daughters room) (the other friend is getting the single bed in our sons old room) Getting back to my friend. He is a lovely friendly BIG guy. You would all love him. You Better al love him, or else. I did warn you, he is a BIG guy. But as for my other friend. A few hints. We have known each other for the past 48 years. He is from Bangor originally. He has lived in London for over 30 years now. Still don’t know? Keep guessing then. As per usual, the first person to get it right give yourself a joob joob or two.
I may also have another friend arriving from cork at the same time. This means that the boys will be together again for the first time in two years. We are all getting on in years so I don’t know what it will be like. I don’t drink alcohol any more for health reasons. I do know that one of my friends can only manage a couple of pints now due to old age problems. As for another friend, he is the dangerous one. He can drink, and drink, and drink, and drink just like in the old days. The strange thing is, he never seems to get a hangover. Some of us, if not all of us are a wee tad envious of his capacity for alcohol. But then again. Think of his liver. Think of his bank balance. Maybe we are better off not being quite like him. He is still a great guy.
My daughter has just given me a ‘daughter look’ and asked me what I am writing about her. I told her I wasn’t writing anything about her just now but that is all going to change. I think I mentioned that she has a boyfriend (official) and that things are going well between them. He is avery nice young man with pleasant manners and he knows how to speak (not spake) I know my daughter will be horrified about this little bit of info but she did ask for it. Didn’t she?
So far today I have not heard any Jacko jokes or music on the radio. Is this a sign that things are dying down (no pun intended) If so, good. I am really fed up with the media giving all this space to this story. There are a lot more serious things going on in the world. Like for instance. There is £36 million up for grabs in the Euro Millions Lottery tonight. Now that’s news for you!
Time to go now. I think that you have enough gack for one day, or even one week. Any comments just hit the title bar above and feel free to scribble away to your hearts content. After all, I get up in the morning just to read what you have to say. Don’t disappoint me. Please!
Posted :: Friday 7/10/2009 5:07:00 AM
They Must Really Like Me
They must really , really like me. This is my third visit and they wanted me to stay, all at their expense (and insistence) You might have guessed it already. I have been in hospital yet aga. Nothing too serious this time but they seemed to think that I needed to get away from my household chores for a while. (no argument coming from me there)
Anyway. The real problem or reason for this visit was that I was having chest pains that I couldn’t explain amongst other things that I won’t go into too much detail about in case you are eating your din din’s. (hint. Something to do with ‘Exploding’ and ‘Southpark’.))need I say more) They were somewhat concerned about the chest pains and kept on asking me stupid questions about the pain. Where is it?. What is it like? How often do you get it? What time of day do you get it? Honestly, it was like 20 questions. As I’m not a Dr I couldn’t give them the answers that they wanted. Plus, I had to keep going to the bathroom in between the questions!!!
After they did some tests and things I was sent up to the ward. Now this is not the real ward I was sent to. I was only in the ‘holding ward’ at this stage. They said they wanted to keep me in overnight for observation. “warning” Never believe them when they say those words. They told me this on Friday. It is now Tuesday! I was then sent up to ‘the’ ward. That is. THE WARD that I was in when my name changed to Lazarus a few months ago. Readers, you may remember my little dalliance with death that I had back then. It was nice to see all the friendly faces again. It was even nicer that they all remembered me. I must have left a lasting impression on them. It’s the sort of guy I am really.
This time I was put into a side ward all by myself. I didn’t mind as these side wards have their own bathroom facilities which is a good thing considering one of the other problems I was having. Also, it was nice and quiet there as well. I didn’t have to listen to people snoring / farting / crying / generally moaning etc. I had peace and quiet to read my books (I read three while I was in there) Every day I had more and more tests done and some were good and some were a cause for a teeny bit of concern. The best one was that they ruled out and cardiac problems. A big sigh of relief all round folks. Give that Dr a jube jube.
Come Tuesday morning when the Dr’s were doing there rounds they came into me to see how I was and look at my charts and go into a huddle like they do at a rugby match and talk / mumble about me so that I can’t hear what they are saying. How’s that for a long sentence? I was always taught at school not to write sentences like that. Feck em. Anyway, seeing as it was this Tuesday in particular I was going to get to them first. When they broke their huddle and turned to look at me I hit them with the bombshell. “Can I get home today please?” “Why? “ is the comeback. “Well, in case you were unaware, I am feeling better today” “Oh!” is the comeback. “What makes you think you are well enough to go home then?” “The new series of Miami Vice starts tonight and I need to find out who shot Horatio Caine”. “In that case then you can go home as we all think you are OK “
That’s not really how the dialogue went but I was glad I got home anyway as I saw who shot Horatio. Great show that!! (your own opinions on this matter are of no relevance)
We are now at the over three weeks now and our son is STILL living away from home. A friend said he would give it a month. Methinks my friend is going to be proven wrong. Come next Monday if there is no sign of our son then my friend MUST eat some humble pie. He should be grateful actually as the vacant bedroom is going to be there for him anytime he wants to visit us. He won’t have to worry about hotel bills or food bills anymore. He should really be glad for our son. He should really be rooting for him. ‘Go son, go’
Friend, I know you read this little splurdge every now and then. Why not ‘come out’ and give us your honest feeling s about our son vacating his room for you? We all wait with bated breath.
Any other musings about the gack above just click on the title above. I’m away back to yet another book. I seem to be on a roll at the moment. Or is it the fact that I am lying in my bed writing this. I have been told not to be doing any housework (by my wife!!!!) Great innit?
Posted :: Wednesday 7/1/2009 2:23:00 AM